IN SICKNESS AND IN HELL
"Joxer, I've got an itch to scratch." --Scabrielle
"I've been waiting to hear you say that!" --Joxer
IT'S A FAN'S FAN'S FAN'S WORLD
"I spend all this effort trying to look cool, and then they sell a Blooper Video!" --Xena
"Xena, why are all these people dressed up like us?" --Gabrielle, at her first Con
"It's Ares' plot to confuse us!" --Xena, looking warily about
"Good god, Renee, is this woman wanting me to sign her bare chest?" --Lucy, signing at the convention
"You don't have to, Lucy. It's not licensed." --Renee
"Xena, you're so, so...two dimensional!" --Gabrielle, speaking to Standee Xena
"Don't we have any people from Greece on this list?" --Xena
"Frankly, I'm ashamed!" --Gabrielle
"Do I want to order the season video box set? Surely you jest." --Xena, answering the phone
"By the gods, I hate telephone solicitations!" --Gabrielle, just serving up dinner
"By the gods, I can't get this video to play properly!" --Gabrielle, adjusting tracking
"Did you get it in the Ancient Grecian Format?" --Xena
"Oops, this'll only play in the US!" --Gabrielle, reading fine print on box
"Look at all this stuff they're writing about us, Xena!" --Gabrielle, checking her One List postings
"Put it on Digest, Gabrielle, or your head will swell up!" --Xena
"Xena, what's a 'montage'?" --Gabrielle
"It's like when you look at me, but you're on acid!" --Xena
"And this?" --Gabrielle, pointing
"Yeah, there're usually some words hanging in the air, too." --Xena
"Hey, Gabrielle! What's a 'convention'?" --Xena
"A rule of conduct or behavior." --Gabrielle, consulting Webster's
"At my convention, the only rule of conduct is 'Kick Butt!'" --Xena
"How much for this photo of Joxer, Xena?" --Gabrielle, browsing in the merchandise room
"Are you kidding? This stuff is priceless!" --Xena, looking vaguely offended
"But since we don't make people pay for our help, this is our only source of income." --Gabrielle
"OK, OK. Six bucks!" --Xena
"How does this John set our actions to rhyme?" --Gabrielle
"He must be Shakespeare moved forward in time." --Xena
"Normally we don't talk like this, Xena." --Gabrielle
"But if we did, we'd sound so much keener!" --Xena
"Xena, what are we going to do with the new fan club kit?" --Gabrielle, holding Kit #3
"Put it in Argo's saddlebag with the first two kits." --Xena
"But all our new season 5 costumes are in there too, and there's no room left!" --Gabrielle
"Good thing I bought these new elastic saddlebags in the last town." --Xena
"Xena, we only got two issues of Chakram magazine in this fan kit," --Gabrielle, distressed
"That's it! I'm going right down there and show them the meaning of the word 'chakram'!" --Xena
"When's that darn Fan Kit #4 going to get here?! It's been forever!" --Gabrielle
"Gabrielle, you of all people know patience is a virtue!" --Xena
"It's your fan club! Get down to Creation and kick some butt!" --Gabrielle
"Xena, will they continue to make fan kits after we're cancelled?" --Gabrielle
"How many times do I have to tell you, Gabrielle? We're not 'cancelled.' We're in pre-production for the movie." --Xena
"To find such concise and razor-sharp commentary from a Xena fan is, well--" --Xena
"Expected?" --Gabrielle
"Yeah--is expected!" --Xena
"They want Season Six to start already!" --Xena, reading the All Xena Fans mail
"But I'm still recovering from those last three head bashes from last season!" --Gabrielle, raw steak on her eye
"Xena lives!" --Rick
"Was she dead?" --Gabrielle
"You're not paying close attention, are you, Gabrielle?" --Xena
"Wow, look at all these people with Xena-themed web sites!" --Gabrielle
"If we could only find something productive for them to do for society." --Xena
JOXER
"Ack!" --Joxer
"What's that sound?" --Xena
"I'm trying out my new battle cry!" --Joxer
"Goodbye, Gabrielle. I'll see you in the next world." --Joxer
"Don't die, Joxer! What'll we do for comic relief?" --Gabrielle
"Xena, what's a 'eunuch'?" --Gabrielle
"Imagine Joxer's brother, Jace, but with less 'equipment'." --Xena
"Oh, my!" --Gabrielle, looking slightly pale
"Humor hurts!" --Joxer
"I'll be BAAAAAACCCCCKKKK!!!!!!" --Joxer, with heavy Ahnold accent
"Gabrielle, use the word 'chobos' in a sentence." --Xena
"I don't think Joxer has the 'chobos' to get it on with me." --Gabrielle
"MY BOYS CAN SWIM!!!" --Joxer (in "Livia")
"Is it midnight yet?" --Xena, waiting on the new Millenium
"Let me just check the sun dial." --Joxer
"Xena, Joxer keeps hitting on me." --Gabrielle
"Wanna borrow my chakram?" --Xena
Scene from the lost Season Six episode "Been There, Done That, Did It Again":
"Xena! You chakrammed Joxer!" --Gabrielle, alarmed
"So?" --Xena, yawning
"Well, I guess he was already dead...." --Gabrielle
JUST SHOOT ME
"Krishna, I'm just a hooker who kicks major--" --Stacy
"Just be the best darn hooker you can be. It is your Way." --Krishna
"What's 'Just Shoot Me?'" --Gabrielle
"I think that's Eve's new spin off series." --Xena
"Xena, why are you wearing that red dress and taking money from Ares?" --Gabrielle
"Ares! You told me we were still filming 'Just Shoot Me!'" --Stacy, er, Xena
"You've changed so much, Gabrielle, but you'll always be that irritating blond." --Ares
LEGACY
"By the gods, I've got sand up my wazoo again!" --Gabrielle, looking uncomfortable
"Maybe you should try wearing some underwear." --Xena, offering advice to live by
"Gabrielle, why did you stab me?" --Korah, as he lays dying
"Nobody writes scrolls on this show but me!" --Gabrielle
"Rick, what have you learned from watching Xena?" --Renbee
"I've learned your sister has the cutest little tush!" --Rick
"Look! The local station edited out the bare butt shot!" --Xena
"I hate it when I get censors up my wazoo!" --Gabrielle, shifting uncomfortably
LITTLE PROBLEMS
"Gabrielle, try these Junior Amazon Cookies. They're great!" --Xena, chewing
"Xena, where did you get those?" --Gabrielle
"They were laying by that unconscious guard over there." --Xena, pointing
LYRE, LYRE, HEARTS ON FIRE
"Woodstock?" --Gabrielle
"A music festival based upon our battle of the bands but without a prize lyre." --Xena
"So what was the point?" --Gabrielle
"You've obviously never seen Hendrix." --Xena, making air guitar motions and wincing
"And who do you think invented black metal music?" --Draco
MANY SKILLS
"I have many scrolls." --Gabrielle
"'Skills'. You have many 'skills'." --Xena
"Whatever." --Gabrielle
"Attlebay onbay!" --Xena
"I didn't know you knew Latin!" --Gabrielle
"Lang mer yer tum reek." --Xena
"OK, now you're just showing off!" --Gabrielle
"You know, Xena, I've never seen you blush." --Gabrielle
"One of my skills is cheek capillary control." --Xena, not blushing
"Gabrielle, you've invented the spoiler space!" --Xena, reading Gabrielle's new scroll
"I have many literary skills!" --Gabrielle
"You mean I had a career outside the Xenaverse?" --Gabrielle, looking at Renee’s portfolio
"Shh! Let's not talk of such things." --Xena
"Gabrielle, look! I've invented the VCR!" --Xena
"Let's set it to record the season premiere. And why is the little clock blinking '12:00' all the time?" --Gabrielle
"Well, I'm waiting for you to write the instruction scroll..." --Xena
"Why did they call it 'Them Bones, Them Bones'? Wouldn't one 'Them Bones' be sufficient?" --Gabrielle
"I haven't seen it yet, Gabrielle. I always wait to watch the show with Rick on Saturday nights." --Xena
"But you read the script, filmed the show, saw the cut print." --Gabrielle
"One of my skills is self-induced selective amnesia." --Xena
"Is it any wonder I get the drop on bad guys? I'm 16 hours ahead over here!" --Xena, in New Zealand
"I have many confusing story lines!" --Xena
"What?" --Gabrielle
MARRIED WITH FISHSTICKS
"How did this happen?" --Xena, looking at Gabrielle hanging upside down
"Just be glad you didn't give birth to triplets!" --Gabrielle
"Where's baby Roe?" --Hagar
"Just pass the tartar sauce." --Crustacia
"This isn't what I had in mind for a post-Xena series with you!" --Crustacia
"Who'd have thought 'Married With Fishsticks' could be made into a series?" --Hagar
"Shut up and cut me down from here!" --Crustacia
OLD ARES HAD A FARM
"Xena, I killed us a chicken for dinner!" --Ares, calling out from the chicken yard
"Nice try, Ares. That's a rat, and it was dead before you went out there." --Xena, looking out the door
PASADENA CONVENTION 2001
"Xena, where exactly is this 'Pasadena'?" --Gabrielle
"It's on the other side of the world." --Xena
"But isn't the world flat?" --Gabrielle, displaying her public education
"You have so much to learn, Gabrielle." --Xena
"Lucy! The plane's here to take us to the Pasadena Con!" --Renee
"Make them wait! We can't leave until our tickets arrive!" --Lucy
"I'm still pissed they're making us pay full price for admission." --Renee, sulking
"This'll be the con of all cons!" --Lucy, arriving in Pasadena
"Isn't that my line?" --Rafe
"Sorry, sir, we can't let you in. The cut-off age is forty!" --Ticket taker at Pasadena Con
"But I'm a lesbian!" --Rick, 41 and visibly lying
"Oh, sorry! Go right in!" --Ticket taker
"Look, Renee, Rick's wearing a 'Gabrielle New Look' T-shirt." --Lucy, in Pasadena
"That's not a T-shirt, Luce--it's a full upper body tattoo!" --Renee, shaking her head
"Now that's dedication!" --Lucy
"Gabrielle! I mean, Renee! God, that's dumb! I'm like, no wait--my favorite, 'cause I'm--oh, kill me now!" --Rick, falling to his knees and sobbing with frustrated passion
"You know, Luce, I really thought he'd be more eloquent in real life." --Renee, turning to Lucy
"Yeah, Renee. His e-mails always sounded so well thought-out." --Lucy
"Hello, pleased to meet such a loyal fan!" --Renee, shaking Rick's hand in Pasadena
"Um, but, well, you know, if you ever, I mean--Renee, I love you!" --Rick, subsequently passing out
"I wish guys would stop doing that!" --Renee
"Which part of the convention did you like best, dear?" --Renbee, on the way home
"The chakram throwing workshop was pretty cool!" --Rick
"So, you and Rick made it back! What was your least favorite part of the convention?" --one of our neighbors
"The chakram throwing workshop." --Renbee
"Wang! Clang! Crash!" --noises from within the apartment
PRODUCT PLACEMENT
"AAAAIIIIIEEEEYAAAAAA!" --Talking Xena Standee
" " --Mute Xena Standee
"So, whaddaya think, Gabrielle?" --Xena
"Neither model really captures your true spirit, Xena." --Gabrielle
"Check out the edge on this new sword of mine, Gabrielle!" --Xena
"What's that say there on the hilt?" --Gabrielle
"'X-Acto.'" --Xena
"Look, Xena! We can use this 'Buffy' calendar until ours arrives!" --Gabrielle, looking at calendars in the market
"You must be kidding." --Xena
"How about this 'Kevin Smith's Barely Clothed Beach Frolic' one?" --Gabrielle
"We might get some use out of that...." --Xena
"Xena, our 2001 calendar just arrived in the mail!" --Gabrielle
"You're not taking down the 'Kevin Smith' one, are you?" --Xena
"Forget the bad boys, Xena. I know you like good girls!" --Gabrielle
One morning in Ancient Greece:
"I don't remember a thing about the party last night after that nut bread..." --Gabrielle, looking hung-over
"Why don't you call up Whoosh! and read the summary?" --Xena
"What did they do with my hair they cut off?" --Gabrielle, with short hair
"Hey, where's Salmoneus going with that bag?" --Xena
"Let's see, at $10 a lock, Creation Entertainment gets 10% off the top, I'll net..." --Salmoneus, running off
"Xena, where are we now?" --Gabrielle
"Turkmenistan, obviously." --Xena
"How can you tell?" --Gabrielle
"See, I'm on one of the stamps!" --Xena
"I have many marketing tie-ins." --Xena, counting up her dinars
"Just imagine if people could hear music while they read my scrolls!" --Gabrielle, musing aloud
"Here, put on this 'Xena: Warrior Princess' soundtrack CD." --Xena, holding out a shiny silver disc
"I think I'll call it Parwill." --Joxer, tasting his new creation
"If it were my recipe, I'd call it Vegemite." --Gabrielle, licking her lips
"Gabby, you're so good with words!" --Joxer
"Gabrielle, how did you get those abs of iron (steel not having been invented yet)?" --Xena
"I owe it all to Weight Watcher's low calorie nut bread!" --Gabrielle
"Gosh, am I ever thirsty!" --Xena, immediately after a big battle
"Here, try a refreshing heart full of deer blood!" --Gabrielle
"Pass me a Coke, Gabrielle. I'm dyin' here!" --Xena, fighting off a horde of warriors
"Coke hasn't been invented yet, Xena." --Gabrielle, goring yet another human being with her sais
"<edited for television>" --Xena
"Amazing how they captured my true warrior essence!" --Xena, inspecting her "Xena" action figure
"I still think my toothpick 'Xena' doll looks more like you!" --Gabrielle
"Yeah, especially the face!" --Xena
RICK’S FANTASYLAND
"Where does Rick come up with all this insane stuff?" --Gabrielle
"You put insane thoughts in all our minds." --Xena, looking subtextually at Gabrielle
"Gabrielle, will you ever marry again?" --Xena
"Only if I can find a nice, 40 year old, long-haired, Bohemian fun-loving artist/musician from Atlanta who will love me unconditionally!" --Gabrielle
"Yeah, fat chance of that!" --Xena
"Look, I think I found the lost Xena Scrolls!" --Janice Covington
"If you read closely, you will see they are actually the lost Rick Quotes." --Mel Pappas
"Do you know what this means?!" --Janice
"Yeah--we keep looking!" --Mel
"He seems more at peace now." --Gabrielle, gazing at Rick
"The new season's underway. He has found his Way!" --Eli
"Let's drive Rick insane!" --Fury No. 1
"Yeah, we can screw with his e-mails!" --Fury No. 2
"Aiiieeeee!!!!" --Rick
"Hey, I want a line, too." --Fury No. 3
"Gabrielle, when do you watch Xena?" --Lila
"Any time she's in the room!" --Gabrielle
"And you, Rick?" --Lila
"Xena who?" --Rick, watching Gabrielle
"Gabrielle, Gabrielle, Gabrielle, Gabrielle...." --Rick, thinking aloud
"Can't you think about anything else?" --Xena
"Xena, Xena, Xena, Xena...." --Rick, resuming his thought process
"That's better!" --Xena
"I think Rick's seen one too many reruns." --Xena
"It's the glazed look that scares me." --Gabrielle
"Where are the Gabrielle standees?" --Rick at the Xena Convention
"We had to discontinue them. All the guys kept drooling on them and getting them soggy." --Saleswoman
"Strange, that's what I was gonna do with mine!" --Rick
"You're e-mailing that Dina chick again, aren't you? Well, you can forget playing 'Gabrielle and Argo' tonight!" --Renbee, catching Rick at the computer
"Aww, geez, hon, not in front of the chat group!" --Rick, blushing
"Are you two linking again?" --Renbee, hands on hips
"Hon, it's not how it sounds!" --Rick
"Rick's Studio, must go to Rick's Studio...." --Renee, looking dazed
"My evil plan is working! Bu-wah-ha-ha!" --Rick, rubbing hands together
"Rick, I want to bookmark you!" --Gabrielle, flirtatiously
"Sorry, babe, Kathy got to me first." --Rick, playing it cool
"Rick, have you been working too much lately?" --Xena, holding a palm to Rick's forehead
"Rick purchased 437 tickets to the Pasadena Con in my reserved section, Xena!" --Gabrielle
"Yeah, too bad he's coming alone!" --Xena
"Great! The entire Gabriological Institute will be there!" --Gabrielle, looking on the bright side
"Xena, why is Rick crying?" --Gabrielle
"He just accidentally recorded a ‘Jerry Lewis Telethon’ over his entire Xena videotape collection!" --Xena
"Tisk, tisk. He shoulda popped out the little plastic tabs." --Gabrielle
"He even recorded over his copies of your stuff like ‘FBI Stories’ and ‘Changes’." --Xena
"I don't know why I keep dating that man!" --Gabrielle
"I can't sleep." --Rick the Artist
"Try counting naked dancing Gabrielles. Works for me!" --Joxer the Mighty
"Why do you think I can't sleep?" --Rick the Artist
(Disclaimer: No subtext intended. Joxer is sleeping on the other side of the fire!)
"Look, Rick's written a review of your latest scroll." --Xena, perusing the Amphipolis Gazette
"He'd better have given it five stars or I'll--I'll--I'll--" --Gabrielle, waving her finger in the air
"Tell Renbee to hold out on him?" --Xena
"--um, yeah! Exactly!" --Gabrielle
"Damn, these sketches are good!" --Xena, viewing Rick's sketch book
"Imagine what he could do if he were truly inspired!" --Gabrielle, throwing back her head and running her fingers slowly through her thick mop of soft yellow hair, looking at once the essence of innocence and desire, her keen eyes darting mischievously towards Xena as her pink tongue extends a bit to wet her parted, dry lips
"Yeah, just imagine...." --Xena, rolling her eyes
"Hey, Renbee, can you get one of those white fringe bikini things?" --Rick, watching "Lyre, Lyre"
"You just want me because I remind you of Gabrielle!" --Renbee
"Um, well...yeah!" --Rick
"Do you have to put pictures of Sis on the wall?" --Renbee
"When you get your own calendar, let me know, Hon." --Rick
"Gabrielle, everyone keeps putting words in our mouths." --Xena
"I want to be Rick's love slave!" --Gabrielle
"See what I mean?" --Xena, rolling her eyes heavenward
"Xena, look! Rick's on the web!" --Gabrielle, at her laptop
"Well, don't just sit there! Add him to 'Favorites'!" --Xena
"By the gods! Rick's Studio is off line!" --Gabrielle, at her computer
"Ares!" --Xena
"Xena, does Rick really get these quotes from the staff writers?" --Gabrielle
"Well, John gets his directly from us, so I guess it's possible." --Xena
"But don't you get your quotes from the staff writers too?" --Gabrielle
"Get the aspirin, Gabrielle. I feel a headache coming on." --Xena
"My TV reception stinks! The picture's all snowy!" --Rick, phoning the cable company
"What do you expect? We're in a steam bath scene!" --Gabrielle
"What's taking Rick so long with his review?" --Gabrielle
"He keeps pausing the VCR when you come on the screen." --Xena
"Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go!" --Gabrielle, riding off with Xena
"Easy for you to say." --Rick, briefcase in hand, getting into his car
"What's a 'Gabriologist'?" --Gabrielle
"Are you sure you want to know?" --Xena
"Now that sis is out of work, I guess in no time she'll move in and sponge off us." --Renbee
"One can only hope." --Rick
THE RING TRILOGY
"Gabrielle, do you really need to chain us together by the ankles?" --Xena
"I'm not taking any more chances!" --Gabrielle, closing the lock
"Who are you calling 'prissy'?" --Rhein Maiden #1
"He-he-he!" --Rhein Maiden #2
"Giggle!" --Rhein Maiden #3
"I hope that didn't come off sounding bitchy." --Rhein Maiden #1
"Tee-hee!" --Rhein Maiden #3
"When do we get to wear the pointy helmets with the horns?" --Gabrielle
"That's so yesterday, Gabrielle. The ones with wings--now that's cool!" --Xena
"No, losing my winter coat is cool." --Gabrielle, shivering
"Good thing you didn't name that old horse of yours 'Grindl'." --Xena
"Yeah, imagine the chaos that would've ensued!" --Gabrielle
"It's spelled 'Grendel', damn it!" --Helen, an internet fan
"See-it's starting already." --Gabrielle
"Zeena, howe doo u spel Grindl?" --Gabree-el, wryting her neu skrol
"Turn your spell checker back on, Gabrielle. I can't understand you." --Xena
"Xena, can I borrow your chakram? I need to slice off some butter." --Gabrielle, preparing dinner
"Sorry, Gabrielle, but ever since you dulled the blade whacking on Grindl, you know it won't cut worth a damn!" --Xena, preparing her appetite
"Hey, Xena, how about a little tongue here?" --Gabrielle
SEX AND SUBTEXT
"I love you, Xena." --Ares
"You and what army?" --Xena
"Xena...Gabrielle...are you two...lovers?" --Nigel
"Technically, I have many skills!" --Xena
"That's no answer." --Nigel
"Think about it." --Gabrielle
"Why is anyone interested in our sexuality? Don't they have better things to worry about?" --Gabrielle
"Yeah! It's not like we've been gettin' any from either camp lately!" --Xena
"Then how do you explain the baby?" --Gabrielle
"Rogue screenwriters." --Xena
"Gabrielle, promise me you'll follow me anywhere." --Xena
"I draw the line at those rat-infested tunnels you get in occasionally." --Gabrielle
"Damn that Tapert fellow!" --Xena, shaking her head
SPORTS
"I know many sports." --Xena
"Then tell me what that blue line means in a hockey rink." --Gabrielle
"It's, well...you know...something about...damn it, Gabrielle!" --Xena
"GIMME that thing!" --Xena, yanking the discus from a stunned Olympian
"Boxing Day?" -Gabrielle, caught unawares
"Now, that's my kind of holiday!" --Xena
"Spunkball!" --Kids in car next to Xena's
"Chakram!" --Xena, teaching kids a lesson
One night after dinner:
"It's a shame to waste this perfectly good pig's bladder." --Gabrielle
"Let's blow it full of air and invent a land acquisition game!" --Xena
Play-by-play announcer: "The warlord has Xena pinned against the wall! Looks like overtime!"
Color commentator: "This show could spill over into a 'Bay Watch' rerun, but what the hell! We've got a great episode here! After the commercial, we'll return with our coverage of Sudden Death overtime."
STRANGER IN A STRANGE WORLD
"Hi, Xena. I'm Ares, God of Love!" -Alternate Ares
"Now that's more like it!" -Xena
"Why do they call me 'Twisted Xena'? You're the one who spins around." --Twisted Xena
"And why do you think I'm always so cranky?" --The Executioner
SYNDICATION
"Yeah, that always bugs me!" --Xena
"Have you noticed that some of the episodes are out of order?" --Gabrielle
"Gabrielle, what do you make of this black stripe along the bottom here?" --Xena
"It must be the shell of the tortoise that holds the world on its back." --Gabrielle
"Then what does the tortoise rest on?" --Xena
"The backs of all the suffering Xena viewers watching the Oxygen channel." --Gabrielle
"Quite a few of them, eh?" --Xena
"More than enough, yes." --Gabrielle
"Xena! Look at this stuff at my feet! I've never seen anything like it!" --Gabrielle
"Sorry, Gabrielle. I can't see behind that big black banner." --Xena
"I came prepared to act out 'The Way', but they say we've got to do 'Callisto' instead!" --Gabrielle, one Tuesday evening at the SciFi network
"Damn those programmers and their wanton ways!" --Xena, tossing her "The Way" script over her shoulder
"How do they expect me to get up at 7am Sunday mornings?" --Gabrielle, on seeing USA’s new rerun schedule
"If you'd quit staying out all night at those poetry readings..." --Xena
"Son of a Bacchae!" --Xena in real life
"Son of a !" --Xena on USA Network
"Gabrielle, I just heard we're 'syndicated'." --Xena
"Does this mean we're part of the mob?" --Gabrielle
TWILIGHT OF THE GODS
"To Tartarus with those programmers!" --Xena
"Hey! What makes you think I want them?" --Hades
"Say, didn't I kill you during The Twilight?" --Xena
"Sure--that's why I'm here in Tartarus." --Hades
"Hmm, there's some sort of circular thing happening here...." --Gabrielle
"Whatever happened to the Greek Gods after The Twilight, Xena?" --Gabrielle, many years from now
"They all moved to the back woods of Tennessee to inbreed. It's the one thing they were still good at." --Xena
"If I died, what am I doing here now?" --Eve, puzzled
"We don't worry much about death on this show." --Gabrielle, chuckling
"Here, read this." --Xena, holding out a well-worn copy of "Death Loopholes", the No. 1 selling book in Ancient Greece
"Xena, the Greek gods are dead or dying. What do we do now?" --Gabrielle
"We've got to go after all the people slamming us on-line! Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-yah!!!" --Xena
"Xena, has The Twilight begun yet?" --Gabrielle
"Move a little closer. I can't see you in the dark." --Xena
VILLAINS
"Cancelled?! What are we to do?!" --Xena
"Hi, girls!" --Ares
"What are you doing here?" --Gabrielle
"I always show up when there's trouble going down!" --Ares
"Hello, Xena. I'm Mavican, and I'm gonna kill you!" --Mavican, chest heaving
"Hmmm, I still haven't invented the blimp...." --Xena, thinking aloud
"Now that I'm mortal, you want to take this onus off me, Xena?" --Ares
"I don't think we have that kind of relationship yet, Ares." --Xena
Tortures of the Damned Dept.:
"Aren't you hungry yet? Have some fruit!" --demon Callisto, on her perch
"I lost my appetite when I smelled your breath, Callisto." --Gabrielle, vomiting in yet another episode
"Xena, I decided I want to live after all!" --Callisto, running onto the set unexpectedly
"Sorry, Callisto, we just finished filming the last episode." --Xena, holding her outfit protectively
"Damn it, Xena! This is all your fault!" --Callisto
"Actually, I think market saturation was probably a leading cause." --Gabrielle
WARRIOR PHILOSOPHER
"A lighthearted 'Xena' quote would be inappropriate after discussing such a weighty subject." --Xena
"But Xena, we deftly blend drama and comedy!" --Gabrielle
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning!" --Xena
"Xena, those are rotting cow carcasses!" --Gabrielle
"We're gonna teach these warlords the way of peace, Gabrielle." --Xena, eyeing the enemy
"How are we going to do that, Xena?" --Gabrielle, looking dubious
"We're gonna kick their asses from here to Thrace and back!" --Xena, appearing amused at the very thought
"But Xena, we touch on all facets of life in our show. How can a subject be 'off topic?'" --Gabrielle
"My point exactly, Gabrielle! Love, friendship, and kicking evil's ass are universal concepts." --Xena
"To view me is to love me." --Xena
"Aren't you going to give that warlord an ultimatum?" --Gabrielle
"The face! Look at the face!" --Xena, adopting her "ultimatum" expression
"What's so funny 'bout peace, love and understanding?" --Elvis Costello (appearing in the next Xena musical)
"Is that a rhetorical question?" --India Gabrielle
WHO'S GURKHAN?
"Do you have to keep hitting me on the head, Xena?" --Gabrielle
"How else would I knock you out?" --Xena
"Which brings up another thing...." --Gabrielle
"Thanks for taking another beating for me, Xena!" --Gabrielle
"Leave torture to the pros. That's what I always say." --Xena
THE END
"Do we need a quote at the end if there's already one in the message?" --Gabrielle
"Oops--too late!" --Xena
"Do you think they'll still want a quote after all that?" --Gabrielle
"They always want more! You give and you give and you give...." --Xena
"Should I conclude with something profound?" --Gabrielle
"Why bother? Nobody takes anything we say here seriously any way!" --Xena
© 1999-2001 by Rick Hines.
Material may not be used without the artist's written permission.